Thursday, July 24, 2008


10. He wants to get an early start on the recession.

9. He showed up to his last three interviews naked. That's a lie. Vakis has only had two interviews. He was wearing clothes. Vakis can’t get hired because he lies.

8. The only useful application of writing top ten lists is on the Late Show with David Letterman. Unfortunately Dave hates Vakis.

7. The truth is getting a real job would interrupt Vakis’ one true passion: watching So You Think You Can Dance marathons on Much Music.

6. In his last interview Vakis was asked to talk about a time he went above and beyond the call of duty. He answered by detailing an incident from his days as a waiter. Once, one of Vakis’ patrons had too much to drink. Vakis went out of his way to call a cab but the man had other plans – plans that involved driving. The vagrant paid his bill and started stumbling towards his car. Not being one to stand back and watch as another man became a danger to himself and others on the road, Vakis swept into action and stabbed the drunk in his kidneys. That man never drove again. The interviewer surprisingly, was not impressed.

5. Actually all of number six was a lie. Vakis can’t get hired because he lies.

4. Vakis suspects the reason he can’t get hired is because he wrote a list on why he can’t get hired and then published it online for all to see.

3. On his resume under interests Vakis wrote kicking puppies.

2. Everyone knows that as the unemployment rate drops, inflation goes up. Vakis, the kind soul that he is, has taken it upon himself to remain unemployed in a heroic attempt to stop inflation. He should be applauded for his bravery, and rewarded with a job.

1. Reaganomics.


10. Girl, I got you so wet. It's like a rain forest. Like Jurassic Park. Except I'm your sex-a-saurus - The Zoo

9. Girl I’m ready to toss your salad – Sex in The Kitchen

8. Shooting stars, a trip to Mars I can get us there from where we are. So don’t trip I got a giant rocket. Gliding through, just hittin’ your pocket – Sex Planet

7. Pussy is one of the most powerful thangs in the world and a lot of people don’t understand how powerful pussy is. Pussy makes n#*@s blow they brains out, they bitch brains out. Uh, uh, pussy makes people do thangs they never would think they’d do – Pussy

6. Fuck Me?/ Fuck You – Real Talk

5. Seems we’re always arguing, but right after the arguing, we have sex – Break Up

4. Cause this gonna last forever and ever and ever and ever and ever (Mmm, hmm) and ever and ever and ever and ever. (This is going to last forever) forever, and ever and ever and ever (Ooh) and ever and ever and ever

3. Quit bringin yo woman to these muthafucking clubs dog and blammin other n@34s for takin yo woman. Ain’t nobody take you woman no way. If yo woman chose sumbody else then shit you game ain’t tight.

2. Yeah, someone who can relate to my sex drive, cuff her pu while we dance and she don’t mind. – Homie Lover Friend

1. Bitch, I wish you would burn my mothafuckin clothes – Real Talk

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


10. If you are in your late twenties and watch the Price is Right on a regular basis then you need to re-think your five-year-plan.

9. Any guy who drives a hummer will use the words “dude”, and “brother” excessively while talking to other guys. Any girl who drives a hummer has a penis.

8. If you still have the same haircut you had in high school and you are in your 50s, you look like an idiot

7. Anybody who thinks it’s a good idea to go to a movie dressed up as a character from that movie hasn’t had sex this year.

6. Two drinks are always better than one. Three drinks are always better than two. Four drinks are even better than three, but your 21st drink is one drink too many. Please, drink responsibly.

5. Remember a few years ago when all the kids were wearing super baggy jeans and you would look at them and say “Wow, they look stupid.” If you are wearing really super-tight jeans – wow, you look stupid.

4. Rapping in the shower has officially overtaken singing in the shower amongst white males, aged 16-35.

3. Any time there is a twenty minute lineup for a coffee at Tim Horton's there will be an empty coffee shop around the corner with a fresh pot. (Maybe you should go there instead.)

2. Certain commonly used basketball terms can easily be confused as gay porn titles. Examples include: backcourt violation, penetrating the lane, backing down, and from downtown.

1. R Kelly is the new Rick James. Real talk.


10. Success in school does not translate to success at work. Really makes you feel good about spending $20 000 to go to school doesn't it?

9. Boxers are better than briefs. Boxer-briefs are better than boxers. Commando is king. Kings sometimes get their junk stuck in the zipper. It's always better to go with boxer-briefs.

8. Anyone who wears sunglasses inside of a nightclub is a giant douche. Anyone who justifies wearing sunglasses inside of a nightclub by singing I wear my sunglasses at night should be taken outside and beaten. Anyone who dresses up for a Halloween party by wearing a Mexican wrestling mask, well, frankly, that's just kick ass.

7. Eating a meat-only diet will produce some of the worst gas your nose has ever sniffed. Use this information wisely.

6. It is always better to have stolen and gotten away with it than it is to have stolen and gotten caught. Almost nothing good comes out of stealing and getting caught.

5. It is never a good idea to stare directly at the following: A solar eclipse; Michael Jackson's face; a hairy ass; Michael Jackson's ass; any combination of hair, asses and Michael Jackson.

4. Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have gonorrhea.

3. Just because chocolate is delicious does not mean everything covered in chocolate will be delicious. For example, chocolate covered goat tongue.

2. If your boss is an idiot chances are you boss's boss is an idiot. This makes advancement within the company extremely difficult, unless of course, you are an idiot.

1. Writing lists may make you friends, but it will never make you money.


10. If you are in a position of authority, dream up crazy competitions, force your workers to participate – losers are fired. If you are not in a position of authority, commit yourself to your work, impress your bosses, put in two to three years of dedicated and loyal service, get a promotion, be put in a position of authority, dream up crazy competitions, force your workers to participate – losers are fired.
9. Find a chair with four legs, sit. Try and balance on only two legs for as long as you can. When somebody asks you what you are doing tell them market research. Give them the evil eye.
If there is a particular co-worker you are not fond of, wait until they go for lunch and then go to their computer and start downloading porn. Go to Human Resources and report that said co-worker is downloading porn on their computer. Bask in a job well done.
7. Drink. Just a little, nobody has to know.
6. If you are a girl join a fantasy sports league and try and figure out what to do. If you are a guy, read celebrity gossip websites and try figure out why you should care. If anybody asks what you are doing, tell them market research.
5. Fart. Just a little, nobody has to know.
4. Spend one hour giving everyone in your office the evil eye. Spend the following hour being super cheery – evil eye, cheery, evil eye, cheery. Messing with people is fun.
Eat some bean soup for lunch, and then see how many times you can fart in your boss's office before she/he says anything.
2. Steal. Just a little, I won't tell.
1. Here's a thought. Stop reading and start working you lazy bastards.